I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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