Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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