I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
