Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
