Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
