Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize