I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
