I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In other news, I just burned my penis
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize