Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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