She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize