I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i think i just lost a toe
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
