My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
