I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
