He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
