So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
