im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
