We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
