I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
