Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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