Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
