Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
