Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
