Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
