i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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