Don't you send me to vm
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
