Me. At least after what I've been through.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
