You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
