I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
