girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
