I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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