I want to make a zoo with you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
