Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
