Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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