before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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