Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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