so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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