Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
