Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
