Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize