grandma shit on top of the toilet
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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