did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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