So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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