During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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