So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's Friday. Sex?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
