Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize