meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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