So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
