I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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