allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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