I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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