He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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