There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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