You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
