I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize