please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
