If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
