so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
