WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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