god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My vagina just recognized that song.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
