I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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