The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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