She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
